Thailand Part 2: Roll The Dice

"Thailand- roll the dice."
This expression very quickly became the motto of the trip, for the simple reason that with almost every decision you make in Thailand you are taking a gamble.
Something as simple as sitting down to eat in a restaurant is a big one. The moment one of you asks "shall we try this place?" you are entering the game and there is a slight pause as you all mentally prepare for whatever may lay in store. Every restaurant will have the Thai staples; green curry, pad thai, fried rice, tom kha gai etc and obviously each place will have their own special recipe so they will taste slightly different, but the variations go deeper than that.
Example: I ordered a Shrimp Pad Thai one night to be served one shrimp. Another night a Chicken Pad Thai came with no chicken but pork instead. Licricia ordered a Pad Thai that looked and tasted like uncooked eels, and Grace once ordered Calamari only to be brought thin air.
And ordering Western food? You've taken the gamble to a whole new level my friend. Nat ordered a chicken burger once, and what arrived was a thin frozen slice of what could have been chicken at one time on a stale bun. The chips were good though. And they put something in the mayo that made it to die for.

Another unexpected gamble is going to the toilet. Turns out Thai people don't really do the whole toilet paper thing. And the air-dry method is alright every once in a while but you can only shake your rear end over the toilet bowl so many times in a day before you crave a proper wipe.
Occasionally I came across toilets with communal paper (you take some before you enter the cubicle) and once in Auytthaya there was a woman sitting outside the toilet handing out paper (very hygienic) but we soon took to stowing great fistfuls of stolen restaurant napkins in our bags to avoid the risk.
Licricia's alcohol gel made constant appearances at toilet breaks because the concept of soap also seems to have escaped Thai culture. Clearly they do not feel the need to sanitize their hands after evacuating their bowels. I suppose if they're not wiping then why wash? Anyhow methinks there might be less people walking around in surgical face masks if they just invested in a few bottles of Carex.
*They wear face masks when they're out and about if they'll ill so as not to spread pathogens.*

Ah, accommodation, another great gamble. Do not be hoodwinked! You may think Hollywood does a good job of convincing us there's a T-Rex in San Diego or that a Camaro can turn into a kick-ass robot but they ain't got nothing on the people who produce the Thailand hostel pictures. So make sure when you are cruising hostel websites you check the reviews for the hostel and when you look at the pictures, bear in mind that some of them might be works of deceptive art.  
For example online our Bangkok hostel had pictures of what appeared to be a communal area. In reality? Nope, just the lobby and internet cafe next door. The decor in the pictures looked clean and modern. Nope, peeling walls right out of the 70s. It was fairly clean though, just a bit shabby and with a rather funky smell hanging about the corridors.
There was also a toilet in the shower.
We did grow fond of this hostel though, for all its quirks. The best thing about it by far was the night receptionist. I can't explain how much we laughed.
So we arrived at 5am (there was 24 hour check in) and she was asleep under a blanket behind the desk. We coughed loudly. She opened one eye and stared at us for a full minute then promptly went back to sleep. We woke her again and asked to check in. She slowly got up and stared at us again looking confused. So we asked if we were at Hello Hostel. She shook her head, still having not spoken a word. I went outside and checked the sign, which read 'Hello Hostel'. Definitely the right place. By this time Nat had got out our printed reservation and was showing the receptionist who was still shaking her head. I went back out to check the street name. Licricia calls me back, shaking her head in disbelief, saying the receptionist is now checking us in, still silently, having realised that yes, she works at a hostel.
So we finally get to the room and, surprise surprise, no toilet paper. Nat goes to get some. Comes back 5 minutes later saying the receptionist had fallen asleep again and when Nat woke her to ask for paper she said "no" and went back to sleep. So Nat reached around the desk and grabbed a roll that was sitting there. By this time we were all in stitches. It totally made up for the shabbiness of the place.


Bless her cotton socks, she was always asleep.












All in all, Thailand is definitely a place, not to lower your expectations, but to eradicate them completely. And although you may think this is stressful, actually it is really refreshing because it forces you to relax and go with the flow- don't over think anything, just turn up and enjoy yourself.
But I lied to you, there won't be just two instalments of my Thai trip, there is one more to come.
Because I need to tell you about all the great times that made the silly nuisances irrelevant, the times we'd ooh and ahh, squeal, laugh, shout and, in my case, vomit over the back wheels of a taxi.

Thailand Part 1: A Bumpy Ride

So on a spontaneous whim I decided to go to Thailand with a girl I met in my Sydney Hostel. Why the frack not? I managed to cram everything I'd need for two weeks into a gym bag and off I went.
Now here comes the tricky part, and the easiest way to describe it will be to break it down into timetable mode. So here:

8:30pm- Land in Suvarhumusomethingsomething airport (actually called Suvarnabhumi Airport but lord knows we couldn't pronounce that so it was Suvarhumusomethingsomething to us).
8:40pm- Told by the travel desk that it takes one and a half hours by subway to get to Bangkok's main train station. I want to catch a train to Surat Thani at 10:50. I decide I can make it. Like an idiot.
10pm- After paying a taxi driver a ridiculously overpriced fare (still cheapo compared to everywhere else in the world) I get to the station and find out there are no tickets left for the 10.50. Bugger.
10:05pm- Get back in the taxi and keep changing direction because I can't decide what to do.

*Background info: Suart Thani is the main town where you catch the ferries to the Southwest islands- which is where I needed to be; in Koh Phangan for the Full Moon Party. Licricia (the girl I was meeting) was already there with her two mates and they'd booked me accommodation bless them. So I landed on the Thursday and wanted to be there by Friday evening. It takes 11 hours by train to Surat Thani and then 3 hours by ferry to Koh Phangan. So you see my problem when I couldn't get the 10.50 train.*

10:10pm- Eventually get the driver to take me to the domestic airport. There might be flights to Surat Thani the next morning (the silly English girl hoped foolishly).
10:40pm- Arrive domestic airport and find out the ticket offices don't open until 4am.
10:45pm- Sleep on the airport benches. Similar in comfort to a bed. A bed that's trying to break your back.
4am- Wake and ask ticket office about getting to Surat Thani. Am told there are no flights for Friday or Saturday. Apparently it's a bank holiday weekend in Thailand. Their Queen's birthday. God bless her.
4:10am- Get back in a taxi, overpay again because they can charge whatever they like at night from the airport since they know you have no choice, and none of them put their meters on.
4:40am- Arrive back at main train station and enquire about trains later that day to Surat Thani. I won't get to Koh Phangan until Saturday but I've kind of accepted that fate now. No trains to Surat Thani except third class no air-con, no fan. So stuck with chickens, pigs and other livestock, sweating it out in 30 degree heat for 11 hours. Yummy.
4:50am- Have a violent tantrum.
5am- Wandering around the train station aimlessly. Decide to go back to the international airport and see if they have any domestic flights. Ooo but first, I'll just check whether there are any train tickets to Chumphon- a smaller town where it is possible to get the ferry to Koh Phangan.
5:05am- Ticket guy says nope, no tickets. I sigh heavily. He says sorry and presses refresh on his computer. "Oh," he says "Someone has just cancelled their ticket to Chumphon, leaving today at 1pm, second class air conditioned sleeper carriage."
"Book it! Book it! Book it NOW!" I yell, causing the queue of 20 Thai people behind me to jump back in alarm.
So he booked it for me. I grabbed the tiny man behind me and did a little dance of joy. I'm pretty sure his wife took a picture. I like to think they've framed it.

By this time I'm so bloomin exhausted that I get the subway back to the international airport anyway because I've got hours to wait for the train, and the airport has air-con, free clean toilets and somewhere to charge my phone.

So I hauled myself back to the train station in time for my train. And second class was perfectly nice, nicer than a lot of trains in England for sure. I was sat opposite, swear to god, an Asian Johnny Depp, who keep giving me weird looks as I was staring at him marveling over his incredible likeness to Mr Depp.
The schedule now is I get into Chumphon at 10pm, go to my hostel which I booked for that night, then get the ferry the next morning at 7am. Simple.
About 2 hours into the train ride I realise I won't get to Chumphon at 10pm. We are already an hour behind schedule. Ah well, can't be helped. I settle down and enjoy the scenery, which is breathtaking.
Around 9pm a guy comes round and changes all the seats into beds, so I clamber up to my bunk and am about to have a kip when the woman across from me starts up a conversation about how I should keep my belongings close. There have been a few robberies reported on trains recently, she says. Oh damn, methinks, I'll sleep with my stuff clutched in my hand. Then the woman adds that the thieves were knocking out whole carriages with sleeping gas and collecting everyone's stuff. So there's nothing we can really do anyway, she concludes. Great.
But I sleep anyway, and luckily I wake up with all of my stuff and just in time to get off at Chumphon. On the short walk to the hostel (at midnight, two hours after the supposed arrival time) I meet two girls who are also catching the ferry tomorrow and need a place to stay, I take them to my hostel and lo and behold- it's really really nice! One of the best hostels I've stayed in in terms of cleanliness, staff and value for money (2 pounds per night, 2 measly little pounds. I love Thailand.)

The nice surprise waiting for me there was the revelation that the ferry ticket I had was a standby ticket. If the ferry wasn't full then I could get on. It was two days before the Full Moon Party. The ferry was probably going to be full. But if you thought I would worry about this then you'd be wrong. Because at this point I was so friggin tired I couldn't care less about anything except getting into a real bed.

When I woke up the next morning I was ready with a game plan. Not a very sophisticated game plan but a game plan nonetheless. There was free pick up from the hostel to the ferry terminal so me and the other girls indulged in the free breakfast and then hopped on the bus.
When we got to the terminal it was time to put my game plan into action. The way I saw it, if I got there first then they would give me a ticket since they always reserve some seats for the standbys. I shoved and elbowed my way to the front of the line. I even accidently-on-purpose knocked over some guy's open bag so his stuff tumbled out and I sneaked round him while he and some other nice people in the queue picked everything up.
I said it wasn't sophisticated. But after all I'd been through, I was getting on that ferry.
And I did.

Finally, 3 hours later, I was on Koh Phangan island! Yes! Now, how to get to the resort the girls were at? Licricia had told me the name so I went to where all the taxis were. Actually it was a mixture of minivans, tuk tuks and trucks but that is what taxi means on this island. After dodging round one guy who was telling me he was a taxi but simultaneously trying to get me on the back on his motorcycle, I finally found a legitimate shuttle with a bunch of other backpackers going to different resorts and hostels. A short ride later, I arrive at the Blue Lotus resort, walk down a short but wonderfully steep hill, round a corner and there they are. Licricia and her two friends, having lunch at the resort restaurant. I'm here. At bloody last.

And there I will leave it for now. My Thai trip was so jam packed that to do it justice it does need to be split into two parts. But don't worry, the next part won't be a day-by-day account, more like a round up of the good, the bad and the ugly.