So I could say "San Francisco is so pretty" but that is useless.
I could show you pictures that I took of the Chinese New Year Parade to which you'd respond "oh cool" and I would immediately shake you by the shoulders and scream "you don't know man, you weren't there!" while sinking to the floor in desperation.
Because this city simply refuses to be caught on camera. Never in any other city have I fruitlessly snapped photo after photo only to be dissatisfied every time and finally succumb to recording a video.
San Francisco is not a city of sights. I mean, of course it is, it's gorgeous with its steep hills, cute cable cars and 19th century Dutch style houses, but it is not just the sights that make the city the most unique place I've ever been.
San Francisco is a sensory overload, there are smells and sounds everywhere that make the city what it is, and the combination of all these senses is what really describes the place. Which means a camera isn't going to capture half the magic of it, any more than my writing will either.
Put it this way- Haight Street is a long road of brightly coloured hippie cafes, tie dye shops, vinyl record stores and lots more, with dreadlocks and guitars everywhere. But to get the full impact of this atmosphere you need to slowly wander aimlessly down the street breathing in the weed smoke that's everywhere with the Hair soundtrack blasting on your iPod. The street just isn't the same otherwise.
And the same goes for everywhere. In fact the most boring part of my visit was walking the Golden Gate Bridge. I got halfway across and was like: "It's a bridge. It's red metal. There's a view. It's really fucking windy."
Not exactly ground-breaking stuff.
No wonder they put the Bridge on all the postcards, it's the only part of the city that is two-dimensional enough to portray by a picture. Everything else needs to be discovered by a full scale adventure and exploration into the nooks and crannies. Granted, though, there are a few basic facts you'll learn after your first day, a few examples:
Transport system: Muni buses, cheap and efficient
Main point of reference on a map: Market Street
Golden Gate Park: Stunning and bloody massive. Take a picnic, spend the day
Supermarkets: Walgreens, CVS, Safeway
Pier 39: Predictably touristy= over priced
Population: More dogs than children
Local Religion: Jogging
I'm totally serious about the dog thing, it's impossible to go more than two blocks without seeing a dog walking a human. People adore their dogs here, and if you don't then you are cast out by the dog-owners guild and made to live in the mountains where you get eaten by coyotes.
I never actually saw that happen but based on the strength of the love locals have for dogs I wouldn't be surprised if this was city law. I mean, it's what I'd do if I was mayor. Which, coupled with the fact that I'd spend my time drinking cocktails with the Queens in the Castro, is why I'd be a terrible mayor.
Ah, the Castro district. I felt a fondness and affinity to the place as soon as I stepped onto the high street and saw a man wearing nothing (and I mean nothing) except a red sock on his dongle casually chatting to two of his mates. Thereafter I spread my arms open wide to the numerous rainbow flags and declared "I'm home!"
*Please do not ask me why I feel so at home around gay men, I've never asked myself that question as I feel it would inevitably lead to extensive therapy.*
Anyhow, after flamboyantly waving to two wonderfully dressed men (a purple suede waistcoat and a silk shirt, how deliciously camp) I sashayed up past a manicurist called 'The Hand Job' and an erotic art store selling art that looked remarkably like massive dildos, to stop for a hot chocolate at the Castro Tarts' Cafe. Later I had to help an extremely good-looking gay couple, carrying a clearly adopted Asian baby, hoist their buggy onto the cable car and we all trundled of to visit Golden Gate Park. How much more San Franciscoey could my day have been?
And that's what the city is about, doing whatever you want (as long as you fit in a jog) and being whoever you want (as long as you love dogs). The whole place is alive and buzzing like a city should yet it is also a very quaint city- a term appropriately oxymoronic- as it is filled with warm friendly people who have a strong sense of community. And ok, the streets are peppered with whiffs of strong weed and dog poo, but I breathe it in gladly because to me that represents a city that is free-spirited and dog-loving. And that's pretty brilliant.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Sunday, 9 February 2014
A few little things to know about Practical Living in New York
1) Its grid layout makes it easy to navigate right?
Wrong. Oh yes you'll get it after two or three days but when you first arrive the grid system is confusing. It is. You'll walk along 42nd Street, turn left up 3rd Avenue, left again on 43rd, and left again onto 4th, but after one last left turn- although you've done a perfect square in your head- you'll suddenly find yourself at a crossing between South Park Avenue and 39th Street.
Tit. Now I have to ask for directions.
2) Crossing the roads
Is easy-peasy. I reckoned I was bound to get constantly honked at for getting it wrong and jaywalking. In my head NY traffic was London traffic but more intense and going the wrong way down the road. Enter mild panic attack- I'm going to get run over. But I needn't have worried. Turns out almost every road in NY is one-way so there's no need to work out when and where to look.
Plus the pedestrians rule the roost here, no joke. They cross when they want and the cars just have to wait. So if you're in a crowd and aren't sure of when to cross, have no fear, you will be told when as the crowd will surge forward collectively, forcing traffic to stop regardless of the light still being green. So my advice is be a sheep and let yourself be herded across the road.
3) You won't see Sarah-Jessica Parker in the shop queue behind you.
I saw her, I did! She was in a limo!
No obviously I didn't. Limos have blacked out windows. But when the limos passed me it was a little fun to pretend there might have been an A-list celeb peering out at me.
Because sadly no real celebrities were spotted, for some weird reason they don't seem to want to mingle with the commoners. Ridiculous, we're awesome. But it means that catching a glimpse of someone famous really is off the cards (unless you're deliberately haunting that organic food market on the Upper East side you've heard Zachary Quinto likes).
4) The Crazies
When you see loads of people passing you on the street mumbling to themselves, don't think "all New Yorkers be crazy!" because only half of them are. The other half of the mumblers are actually speaking on their phone. The hands-free headset has seriously taken off here, I've seen more people using mobiles as maps than holding them to their ears. So have a good look at that mumbler to see if they have discreet earphones plugged in, and if they don't and are really just talking to themselves then you should probably stop peering otherwise they'll think you also hail from Planet Zarg.
5) Restaurant decor
Do not be fooled. I repeat, do not be fooled. When I've been recommended a restaurant by a New Yorker I've got there to find the place shabby and unremarkable on the outside, a tiny hole in the wall. Then I've gone inside and it's been warm, friendly, clean and comfortable, with some of the best food I've ever eaten.
It's the big fancy looking places that put on a show outside that you should be wary of as that is no guarantee of good food. So be aware, obviously some of the fancier looking restaurants will give you a delicious meal, but when scouting for a place to eat don't be afraid to go for the ones that might look a little sorry for themselves, and don't think just because the decor of the other place is more plush and expensive-looking they won't serve you the contents of next door's toilet.
6) Channel the spirits of Torvill and Dean
Most of the pavement in the city is clear, the city's workers shovel the snow and ice away in the wee hours of the morning. But they don't bother doing that by the crossings. And in the boroughs it's mainly the residents' job to shovel the snow outside their building, so not all of it gets done. Which leads to ice. Huge patches of horrible thick ice which you have no choice but to cross. It's perilous, in England people would be breaking bones from falling over on this stuff. It's clear so you don't know it's coming, it's really bumpy and super-slippery because the sun beats down on it- this ice is not playing games.
But New Yorkers aren't fazed. Women in stilettos power walk over it, people don't even look down to see where they're putting their feet. So if you want to get along in NY, when you hit the ice you can't slow down, or thrust your arms out for balance, or slip and go "wooooah!", or basically give any indication that your feet have suddenly gone from solid ground to death slide.
*luckily this is a seasonal hazard*
7) Comparing it to London is not as sturdy a game-plan as I thought
I'll admit I was slightly cocky about tackling the Big Apple because I thought it would be similar to London, only Americaner. Yea, no. First off- the Subway. Grittier, dirtier, less frequent, less comfortable and more complicated than our luverly Tube. Plus no signs over the Subway stations on the street so you can walk right past the station you need because you just didn't notice those dingy, grotty stairs disappearing underground into blackness.
Secondly- NY is huge. The movies lied to us. Because when they refer to New York what they really mean is Manhattan, and what they usually really really mean is Midtown. Midtown is the mish-mash of Times Square, Empire State Building, Theatre district, Chrysler Building, Grand Central etc that sits in the centre of Manhattan, just underneath Central Park.
But there is loooooooads more. So don't be thinking like you know what 'spread out' means because you know it takes about 40 minutes to get from Stratford Westfield to Piccadilly Circus, oh no. It took me 4 hours just to explore all of Midtown, 20 minutes to get a third of the way through Central Park, and half an hour to cross Brooklyn Bridge.
New York: Bring Walking Boots.
One of the ways that being familiar with London was helpful though, was the strut. New Yorkers have a pace, a certain way of walking about the city, which about matches the tempo of the London walk. The difference is the facial expression. While Londoners favour the deadpan stare ahead, New Yorkers prefer the I'm-kinda-pissed-off-about-summin look. So perfecting the slightly wrinkled brow and downturned mouth is a must here.
8) And finally, the 'Only In's. . .
Every major city has its own vibe and quirks and so every major city will have little events and things happen that someone witnesses and says "only in *insert city name here*". And wonderfully, I had such an experience in Times Square I thought I'd share. So picture the scene. . .
A couple of Japanese tourists are having their photo taken with a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume and a guy in a Woody costume. Elmo is taking the picture.
They all smile, switch places, smile again, happy days.
The camera is returned to the couple, who high five all three lovable characters and then start to walk off.
Woody: Hey! Wait! Assholes, aren't you gonna pay us?
Mickey *distinctly Brooklyn accent*: Yea, hey! Mickey ain't free ya know!
The Japanese couple look startled and rush away faster
Woody: Alright pretend we're not decent guys who're tryin to earn a livin!
He lobs a sheriff's badge at them and turns to Elmo
Woody: Can you believe this shit?
Elmo: Fuck these tourists man, let's get a pretzel.
So to sum up. . .
Thanks New York, it's been an interesting week. We've had an up-and-down relationship; times where we've loved each other and times you've left me disappointed (like when I first saw your skyline, an overall nice figure but I'm looking for something with a few more curves). So now I think we need to accept this as what it is: a fling, nothing more. But that's ok because you've given me a week I will never forget. So maybe we'll do this again some day. In Spring. No ice.
Wrong. Oh yes you'll get it after two or three days but when you first arrive the grid system is confusing. It is. You'll walk along 42nd Street, turn left up 3rd Avenue, left again on 43rd, and left again onto 4th, but after one last left turn- although you've done a perfect square in your head- you'll suddenly find yourself at a crossing between South Park Avenue and 39th Street.
Tit. Now I have to ask for directions.
2) Crossing the roads
Is easy-peasy. I reckoned I was bound to get constantly honked at for getting it wrong and jaywalking. In my head NY traffic was London traffic but more intense and going the wrong way down the road. Enter mild panic attack- I'm going to get run over. But I needn't have worried. Turns out almost every road in NY is one-way so there's no need to work out when and where to look.
Plus the pedestrians rule the roost here, no joke. They cross when they want and the cars just have to wait. So if you're in a crowd and aren't sure of when to cross, have no fear, you will be told when as the crowd will surge forward collectively, forcing traffic to stop regardless of the light still being green. So my advice is be a sheep and let yourself be herded across the road.
3) You won't see Sarah-Jessica Parker in the shop queue behind you.
I saw her, I did! She was in a limo!
No obviously I didn't. Limos have blacked out windows. But when the limos passed me it was a little fun to pretend there might have been an A-list celeb peering out at me.
Because sadly no real celebrities were spotted, for some weird reason they don't seem to want to mingle with the commoners. Ridiculous, we're awesome. But it means that catching a glimpse of someone famous really is off the cards (unless you're deliberately haunting that organic food market on the Upper East side you've heard Zachary Quinto likes).
4) The Crazies
When you see loads of people passing you on the street mumbling to themselves, don't think "all New Yorkers be crazy!" because only half of them are. The other half of the mumblers are actually speaking on their phone. The hands-free headset has seriously taken off here, I've seen more people using mobiles as maps than holding them to their ears. So have a good look at that mumbler to see if they have discreet earphones plugged in, and if they don't and are really just talking to themselves then you should probably stop peering otherwise they'll think you also hail from Planet Zarg.
5) Restaurant decor
Do not be fooled. I repeat, do not be fooled. When I've been recommended a restaurant by a New Yorker I've got there to find the place shabby and unremarkable on the outside, a tiny hole in the wall. Then I've gone inside and it's been warm, friendly, clean and comfortable, with some of the best food I've ever eaten.
It's the big fancy looking places that put on a show outside that you should be wary of as that is no guarantee of good food. So be aware, obviously some of the fancier looking restaurants will give you a delicious meal, but when scouting for a place to eat don't be afraid to go for the ones that might look a little sorry for themselves, and don't think just because the decor of the other place is more plush and expensive-looking they won't serve you the contents of next door's toilet.
6) Channel the spirits of Torvill and Dean
Most of the pavement in the city is clear, the city's workers shovel the snow and ice away in the wee hours of the morning. But they don't bother doing that by the crossings. And in the boroughs it's mainly the residents' job to shovel the snow outside their building, so not all of it gets done. Which leads to ice. Huge patches of horrible thick ice which you have no choice but to cross. It's perilous, in England people would be breaking bones from falling over on this stuff. It's clear so you don't know it's coming, it's really bumpy and super-slippery because the sun beats down on it- this ice is not playing games.
But New Yorkers aren't fazed. Women in stilettos power walk over it, people don't even look down to see where they're putting their feet. So if you want to get along in NY, when you hit the ice you can't slow down, or thrust your arms out for balance, or slip and go "wooooah!", or basically give any indication that your feet have suddenly gone from solid ground to death slide.
*luckily this is a seasonal hazard*
7) Comparing it to London is not as sturdy a game-plan as I thought
I'll admit I was slightly cocky about tackling the Big Apple because I thought it would be similar to London, only Americaner. Yea, no. First off- the Subway. Grittier, dirtier, less frequent, less comfortable and more complicated than our luverly Tube. Plus no signs over the Subway stations on the street so you can walk right past the station you need because you just didn't notice those dingy, grotty stairs disappearing underground into blackness.
Secondly- NY is huge. The movies lied to us. Because when they refer to New York what they really mean is Manhattan, and what they usually really really mean is Midtown. Midtown is the mish-mash of Times Square, Empire State Building, Theatre district, Chrysler Building, Grand Central etc that sits in the centre of Manhattan, just underneath Central Park.
But there is loooooooads more. So don't be thinking like you know what 'spread out' means because you know it takes about 40 minutes to get from Stratford Westfield to Piccadilly Circus, oh no. It took me 4 hours just to explore all of Midtown, 20 minutes to get a third of the way through Central Park, and half an hour to cross Brooklyn Bridge.
New York: Bring Walking Boots.
One of the ways that being familiar with London was helpful though, was the strut. New Yorkers have a pace, a certain way of walking about the city, which about matches the tempo of the London walk. The difference is the facial expression. While Londoners favour the deadpan stare ahead, New Yorkers prefer the I'm-kinda-pissed-off-about-summin look. So perfecting the slightly wrinkled brow and downturned mouth is a must here.
8) And finally, the 'Only In's. . .
Every major city has its own vibe and quirks and so every major city will have little events and things happen that someone witnesses and says "only in *insert city name here*". And wonderfully, I had such an experience in Times Square I thought I'd share. So picture the scene. . .
A couple of Japanese tourists are having their photo taken with a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume and a guy in a Woody costume. Elmo is taking the picture.
They all smile, switch places, smile again, happy days.
The camera is returned to the couple, who high five all three lovable characters and then start to walk off.
Woody: Hey! Wait! Assholes, aren't you gonna pay us?
Mickey *distinctly Brooklyn accent*: Yea, hey! Mickey ain't free ya know!
The Japanese couple look startled and rush away faster
Woody: Alright pretend we're not decent guys who're tryin to earn a livin!
He lobs a sheriff's badge at them and turns to Elmo
Woody: Can you believe this shit?
Elmo: Fuck these tourists man, let's get a pretzel.
So to sum up. . .
Thanks New York, it's been an interesting week. We've had an up-and-down relationship; times where we've loved each other and times you've left me disappointed (like when I first saw your skyline, an overall nice figure but I'm looking for something with a few more curves). So now I think we need to accept this as what it is: a fling, nothing more. But that's ok because you've given me a week I will never forget. So maybe we'll do this again some day. In Spring. No ice.
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