1) Its grid layout makes it easy to navigate right?
Wrong. Oh yes you'll get it after two or three days but when you first arrive the grid system is confusing. It is. You'll walk along 42nd Street, turn left up 3rd Avenue, left again on 43rd, and left again onto 4th, but after one last left turn- although you've done a perfect square in your head- you'll suddenly find yourself at a crossing between South Park Avenue and 39th Street.
Tit. Now I have to ask for directions.
2) Crossing the roads
Is easy-peasy. I reckoned I was bound to get constantly honked at for getting it wrong and jaywalking. In my head NY traffic was London traffic but more intense and going the wrong way down the road. Enter mild panic attack- I'm going to get run over. But I needn't have worried. Turns out almost every road in NY is one-way so there's no need to work out when and where to look.
Plus the pedestrians rule the roost here, no joke. They cross when they want and the cars just have to wait. So if you're in a crowd and aren't sure of when to cross, have no fear, you will be told when as the crowd will surge forward collectively, forcing traffic to stop regardless of the light still being green. So my advice is be a sheep and let yourself be herded across the road.
3) You won't see Sarah-Jessica Parker in the shop queue behind you.
I saw her, I did! She was in a limo!
No obviously I didn't. Limos have blacked out windows. But when the limos passed me it was a little fun to pretend there might have been an A-list celeb peering out at me.
Because sadly no real celebrities were spotted, for some weird reason they don't seem to want to mingle with the commoners. Ridiculous, we're awesome. But it means that catching a glimpse of someone famous really is off the cards (unless you're deliberately haunting that organic food market on the Upper East side you've heard Zachary Quinto likes).
4) The Crazies
When you see loads of people passing you on the street mumbling to themselves, don't think "all New Yorkers be crazy!" because only half of them are. The other half of the mumblers are actually speaking on their phone. The hands-free headset has seriously taken off here, I've seen more people using mobiles as maps than holding them to their ears. So have a good look at that mumbler to see if they have discreet earphones plugged in, and if they don't and are really just talking to themselves then you should probably stop peering otherwise they'll think you also hail from Planet Zarg.
5) Restaurant decor
Do not be fooled. I repeat, do not be fooled. When I've been recommended a restaurant by a New Yorker I've got there to find the place shabby and unremarkable on the outside, a tiny hole in the wall. Then I've gone inside and it's been warm, friendly, clean and comfortable, with some of the best food I've ever eaten.
It's the big fancy looking places that put on a show outside that you should be wary of as that is no guarantee of good food. So be aware, obviously some of the fancier looking restaurants will give you a delicious meal, but when scouting for a place to eat don't be afraid to go for the ones that might look a little sorry for themselves, and don't think just because the decor of the other place is more plush and expensive-looking they won't serve you the contents of next door's toilet.
6) Channel the spirits of Torvill and Dean
Most of the pavement in the city is clear, the city's workers shovel the snow and ice away in the wee hours of the morning. But they don't bother doing that by the crossings. And in the boroughs it's mainly the residents' job to shovel the snow outside their building, so not all of it gets done. Which leads to ice. Huge patches of horrible thick ice which you have no choice but to cross. It's perilous, in England people would be breaking bones from falling over on this stuff. It's clear so you don't know it's coming, it's really bumpy and super-slippery because the sun beats down on it- this ice is not playing games.
But New Yorkers aren't fazed. Women in stilettos power walk over it, people don't even look down to see where they're putting their feet. So if you want to get along in NY, when you hit the ice you can't slow down, or thrust your arms out for balance, or slip and go "wooooah!", or basically give any indication that your feet have suddenly gone from solid ground to death slide.
*luckily this is a seasonal hazard*
7) Comparing it to London is not as sturdy a game-plan as I thought
I'll admit I was slightly cocky about tackling the Big Apple because I thought it would be similar to London, only Americaner. Yea, no. First off- the Subway. Grittier, dirtier, less frequent, less comfortable and more complicated than our luverly Tube. Plus no signs over the Subway stations on the street so you can walk right past the station you need because you just didn't notice those dingy, grotty stairs disappearing underground into blackness.
Secondly- NY is huge. The movies lied to us. Because when they refer to New York what they really mean is Manhattan, and what they usually really really mean is Midtown. Midtown is the mish-mash of Times Square, Empire State Building, Theatre district, Chrysler Building, Grand Central etc that sits in the centre of Manhattan, just underneath Central Park.
But there is loooooooads more. So don't be thinking like you know what 'spread out' means because you know it takes about 40 minutes to get from Stratford Westfield to Piccadilly Circus, oh no. It took me 4 hours just to explore all of Midtown, 20 minutes to get a third of the way through Central Park, and half an hour to cross Brooklyn Bridge.
New York: Bring Walking Boots.
One of the ways that being familiar with London was helpful though, was the strut. New Yorkers have a pace, a certain way of walking about the city, which about matches the tempo of the London walk. The difference is the facial expression. While Londoners favour the deadpan stare ahead, New Yorkers prefer the I'm-kinda-pissed-off-about-summin look. So perfecting the slightly wrinkled brow and downturned mouth is a must here.
8) And finally, the 'Only In's. . .
Every major city has its own vibe and quirks and so every major city will have little events and things happen that someone witnesses and says "only in *insert city name here*". And wonderfully, I had such an experience in Times Square I thought I'd share. So picture the scene. . .
A couple of Japanese tourists are having their photo taken with a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume and a guy in a Woody costume. Elmo is taking the picture.
They all smile, switch places, smile again, happy days.
The camera is returned to the couple, who high five all three lovable characters and then start to walk off.
Woody: Hey! Wait! Assholes, aren't you gonna pay us?
Mickey *distinctly Brooklyn accent*: Yea, hey! Mickey ain't free ya know!
The Japanese couple look startled and rush away faster
Woody: Alright pretend we're not decent guys who're tryin to earn a livin!
He lobs a sheriff's badge at them and turns to Elmo
Woody: Can you believe this shit?
Elmo: Fuck these tourists man, let's get a pretzel.
So to sum up. . .
Thanks New York, it's been an interesting week. We've had an up-and-down relationship; times where we've loved each other and times you've left me disappointed (like when I first saw your skyline, an overall nice figure but I'm looking for something with a few more curves). So now I think we need to accept this as what it is: a fling, nothing more. But that's ok because you've given me a week I will never forget. So maybe we'll do this again some day. In Spring. No ice.
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